Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
