Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
All I want is dick and wine.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
