mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
