Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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