I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
