I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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