I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
