we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
