the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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