Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
