i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
