I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Your penis caused this!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
