Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
