Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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