All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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