I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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