Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
