I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
