he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
