Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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