my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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