I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
