Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
