i'm signing you up for texting rehab
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Hippo gnu deer
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
