ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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