My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I just gargled with NyQuil
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
