I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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