i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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