Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
you made out with another girl for some wings
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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