just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You can't motorboat a personality
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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