Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
