Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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