I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
