I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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