too bad you live with your parents still
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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