yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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