Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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