he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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