All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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