After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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