The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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