you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
