his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
