you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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