Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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