dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
