He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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