i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
