Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
