I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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