I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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