dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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