in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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